Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
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