I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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