Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
