Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
