I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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