Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
