Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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