you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
