I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
