After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I had to cum in my sink.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
