god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Dicks are not precious.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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