shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
