i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
