I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
