remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
It's blow job season.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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