when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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