i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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