I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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