it wasn't lemon gatorade
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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