just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
