i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
