how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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