I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
