I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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