Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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