Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
