I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He shit in the fireplace
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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