Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It's official drugs can't kill me
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
