Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
