Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize