So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize