i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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