Is it because I queefed?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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