her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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