I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
