You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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