LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
