i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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