My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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