I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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