I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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