I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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