Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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