I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
