Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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