Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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