Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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