I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
