I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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