i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
