1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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