i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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