Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
foreskin is a definite game changer
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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