What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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